I’ve been unable to post because I’ve been keeping vigil outside Pittsburgh’s Mercy Hospital since the unfortunate maiming of my hero Ben Roethlisberger by a lost senior citizen from Maine. You may have seen me on SportsCenter cooking salmon on a grill.
Concerned, I tuned in for the top of the sixth tonight, as the Philadelphia Phillies and our Pataki’s Prowlers battled it out in that dump southwest of here called Philadelphia. After two boots by Phillies third baseman David Bell, the Metropolitans took a 9-4 lead. Yawn, I thought, and began to watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants before bed.
Well, shit on me. The Phils used their wind machine to take a David Delucci fly ball out of the park to left, and suddenly it was a 9-7 game. In came Billy Wagner, booed by the cheese steak-eating subhuman pigmen in attendance. Fuck yo’ couch, Wagner replied, getting the Phils to walk into two beautiful double plays to seal the win.
I often opine about how stupid people from Philadelphia are. I’m right. Their tendencies to dress up like ethnic stereotypes of their players has been funny at times – i.e. The Padilla Flotilla – now it’s just become absurd. Now, they’re dressing up in fake goatees and mullets like catcher Sal Fasano, who resembles a cross between a medieval Turkish warlord and Mr. Johnnycakes from the Sopranos. If only they had HBO, the rest of the great state of Pennsylvania would be spared the embarrassment.
BBPOTS PLAYER OF THE GAME: Billy Wagner
BBPOTS METS FAN OF THE WEEK: Ronaldinho