Wednesday, May 31, 2006

What about the Candlestick Maker?

It's not easy being the youngest son. You grow up in a family where two brothers that everyone loved came before you. They're hard workers, nice guys, very successful and all that. It's tough to live up to. Your parents are always telling you to be more like them, asking me why I picked candlestick making of all things to do with my life. "Why didn't you go work for one of your brothers? People will always need to eat." They act like no one can use candles anymore. WELL JUST TRY AND HAVE A ROMANTIC DINNER WITHOUT THEM! WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE UNDER HOUSE LIGHTING? I THINK NOT! AND MY SON OF A BITCH COUSIN ACROSS TOWN RAKING IN THE DOUGH DOING WHATEVER THE HELL HE DOES...I CAN'T CATCH A BREAK...

I'm sorry, that was rude.

Anyway, when my brother the Butcher asked if I would write for his blog I was honored, even if the invite did come later than everybody else's. When I think of the Mets, one thing stays with me like the time I accidentally put my hand into a vat of melted wax. Scott Kazmir. Shall I refresh everyone's memory?

Scott Kazmir is now twenty-two years old. So far this season he is 7-3 with a 2.86 ERA. At this point I feel compelled to share with you that he has done this on a team that is well known for playing shitty baseball, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. What does this have to do with the Mets you ask? I'll tell you. Two years ago he was traded to Tampa Bay by the Mets for another pitcher named Victor Zambrano. A right-handed (Did I mention that Kazmir is a lefty? He is.) now thirty year old pitcher with less than stirling credentials (his career ERA is somewhere around 5.00). The logic, if it can be called that, behind this move was that at the time the Mets were hovering around .500 in the standings and would have had a shot at the division if they didn't suck. Like many teams do, they made a move for the stretch run, trading away the prospect touted by many as "The Next Tom Seaver" for the only guy who could make Steve Trachsel look good. Needless to say the Mets did not win the division that year.

Fast forward to now. I've already told you how Kazmir is doing this year (he's kicking ass). Let's see what Zambrano's numbers look like. Hmmm. 1-2 with a 6.75 ERA. Oh, and he's on the DL now. And let me just point out that his inflated ERA has occured not only in the National League but in a total pitcher's park. Should I bring up Scott Kazmir's American League hitter's park numbers again? Yeah, that sounds good. 7-3 with a 2.86 ERA and 73 strikeouts. Don't know if I mentioned the strikeouts. Second in the American League.

Mets, from one third son to another, you can't afford to fuck up like this. You have to do it better, straighter, and narrower than everybody if you expect to get a moments peace. If I had traded away Scott Kazmir I would never hear the end of it. I can hear my mother now. "Why did you trade Scott Kazmir? The Baker wouldn't have traded Scott Kazmir. Why can't you be more like him?" Ugh. Anyway, I have to get back to work now. These candlesticks aren't going to make themselves. Oh, and you know those scented candles you use to make your homes smell better? That's me!

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