Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Today we saw, in the words of DocGooden's Cat, "the only possible way a 10-4 start can be frustrating."

And indeed it was. Tom "The Old Goat" Glavine gives us two earned through 8 and we can't touch Hudson except for a run in the bottom of the ninth. The most painful part of the loss is the fact that David Allen Wright, in a moment of Old Testament fallibility, had three errors and was responsible for letting in the winning run.

Whatever. Ted Turner controls the weather.

BBPOTS Player of the Game: Tom Glavine

A Connecticut Yankee In King Xavier's Court presents: Things I hate... about the Red Sox

Things I hate about the Red Sox:

1) Manny Ramirez. I figured out why Red Sox fans and Mets fans have that strange camaraderie with each other (when they obviously shouldn't, unless they have terrible memories). It's because of marijuana. Thanks to the stand-up whistleblowing of Bobby "I Invented The Pita" Valentine, it's well known that Mike Piazza and Mo Vaughn would smoke reefer in the Shea parking lot before afternoon games. Manny Rameriz is the most doped-out pothead player in the major leagues today, next to Jose Lima, and that's what Mets fans like about him. Lay off the pot, buddy, you'll come down with pharyngitis a lot less. I'm no fan of Curt Schilling, but even that guy threw down with Manny once. When Curt Shilling thinks you're annoying, that's saying something. Also, Manny Rameriz isn't even his real name. His real name is Manuel Arístides Ramírez Onelcida. What else is he hiding?

2) Fenway, the Kid-Touching Green Monster. Or whatever that thing is called, I'm too lazy to look it up. Here's a free tip, and this goes for all MLB teams: real ball clubs don't need retarded mascots to get people in seats. People come to ball games to see hustle, not some pedophile in a muppet costume. If you don't want to watch baseball, stay at home. If your kid doesn't appreciate baseball without some jackass shooting cheap t-shirts out of a cannon during the 7th inning stretch, well, then, you're a shitty parent.

3) Jimmy Fallon. Pretty self explanatory. An awful, unfunny, annoying person, and the international face of the franchise. Good going. Actually, you could claim that Ben Affleck is the most widely-known celebrity Red Sox fan. Doesn't anyone talented like this team?

4) Theo Epstein. Nice move putting Manny on the trading block right before the 2004 season. Good thing no one took you up on that, right? Trading away your World Series MVP? Nice going, asshole. Theo is easily the most bi-curious manager of a group with the last name "Epstein" since Brian Epstein hit on John Lennon in 1964. In the end, what's this guy going to be most famous for: building the 2004 world championship team, or for dismantling it?

5) Sam Horn. "Ka-pow!" Guy struck out six times in a single game in 1991. I could do that. "Ka-pow!" One of the most annoying television personalities ever. "Ka-pow!"

5) Curt Schilling. The picture says it all. Well, the picture, and the fact that the guy actually took a marker to a sock to make it look like he was pitching while bleeding. This is a grown man we're talking about here. I'm going to avoid the obvious menstruation joke here. Was it for ego? Who knows. Oh wait, I know. Yes. It was for ego. Any chance we'll see David Ortiz stump for Bill Frist in 2008? Because that's the only thing that would be funnier than this picture.

6) "Tessie". If you've never heard this awful Dropkick Murpheys' song, be thankful. It's easily one of the most awful recordings of all time. Just as bad as anything in "No, No, Nanette."

This is just a partial list. I've got a lot more, but I should get back to work. Next up will be "Things I hate... about the Mets," which will be followed by, in the interest of fairness, "Things I hate... about the Yankees" and eventually "Things I hate... about minorities."

Your friend in time,


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